Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: Your Healing Body

Isn’t it interesting how we always think the other person has it all together? I felt like every mom around me had it figured out. They were so much stronger than me. Looking back now, I wonder if anyone thought that about me? I only posted positive things on Instagram. When my friends came over to see the baby I told them how hard it was, but I laughed it off. I wasn’t being truthful to them or my family. My husband was the only person, for a very long time, that I confided in and cried to.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put on these fake smiles? For me, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want anyone to think I was failing at this mom thing. I also didn’t want anyone to feel sorry or have pity on me. I didn’t want that type of attention. I was the happy girl – this was the title I wanted. I’m extremely extraverted, I have a boisterous laugh, I love talking. Not holding up this reputation was really, really scary.

It’s hard to share that not only was I suffering from PPD, but I absolutely hated my body after childbirth. Even now, I look back at pictures during that time and I cringe at how I looked. I was so fat! You know those big security bubbles you see on the ceilings, that make you look really wide and distorted? Well, that’s how I felt I looked. Here is a picture of me 3 months postpartum at my friend’s wedding. I hate it.

I wanted pictures of Nora and I to remember her newborn time. Her tiny toes, long skinny legs, perfect little mouth; but I dreaded looking back at them. I picked apart every single picture of me. Correction – I PICK apart every single picture of me (I still hate them)….

A part of my self-healing and therapy is to learn to love my body again. I try to make a conscious effort to give myself a little grace. I grew and carried a baby for crying out loud!

I want you to draw a heart and write at least 5 things you love about yourself in it. Here’s mine –

When you are hating on yourself and those intrusive negative thoughts come around, pull out this piece of paper and remind yourself of the things you love.