I always thought I’d be a natural at being a mom. I thought motherhood would come easy to me. My mom was/is an amazing mother. She loved being pregnant, her deliveries were easy & quick (no meds required!), breastfeeding was a breeze. She loved being a mom, she knew she was MEANT to be a mom.
When my daughter was born, nothing seemed natural – NOTHING! I had a scheduled C-section, my baby would not latch to my breast, my breastmilk was delayed 3 days coming in, and holding her almost felt more emotionally draining than rewarding… that’s really hard to say out loud (or type in this case).
I cried every day. Every night I would hold my baby, with tears streaming down my face, telling her I was sorry… that I would do better tomorrow. I would be a better mother tomorrow. I loved her so much, and yet I got a pit in my stomach every time I had to try and breastfeed her. I would get upset when she wouldn’t stop crying and have thoughts of “oh dear God, what have I done bringing this human into my world?” I couldn’t get her swaddled right. She wouldn’t sleep. I was so mentally and physically exhausted my body ached and I cried and cried and cried.
Having doubts about becoming a mother does not make you a bad mom! Questioning whether you are doing anything right (or everything wrong!) is okay. With the help of time and therapy, I can say I am a good mother. I love my baby. I tried to breastfeed my baby as long as I mentally could. I held and snuggled my baby when she cried. I took her on warm evening walks. I sat on the floor with her during tummy time. Hiding behind all that doubt and sadness was an incredible woman who is now a mother too!