I had these exact thoughts on a daily basis during my postpartum period. My therapist explained to me that I was “grieving over the loss of my past life” – my past job, my past freedom, my past girls nights out. I had so many overwhelming feelings of guilt for missing my life pre-baby. Wasn’t this supposed to be the most rewarding, most amazing, most BLESSED time of my life? Wouldn’t some women do anything to have carried & birthed their baby, to have a healthy child, to be able to leave their corporate job and stay home full time with their baby?
Why am I being so selfish and thinking these things?
I didn’t go to therapy at the start of my postpartum depression & anxiety. I had many fears of being labeled “crazy” and being locked up in the “nut house” (growing up this is what we called it). See, depression runs in my family – but so does not seeking help from fear of “oh, but what will they think of me?” I truly had a fear if I sought out help, and explained these intrusive thoughts, that my baby would be taken away from me. Or that I would be put in an in-patient program and never see my baby. THIS TERRIFIED ME. I did not want my baby growing up without a mother around – even if I was a crappy one (which I wasn’t, but at the time I thought I wasn’t doing enough).
Moral of the story here, you CAN have these thoughts of grieving your pre-baby life. You aren’t “crazy”, you won’t be locked up, your baby won’t get taken away. Talk to someone. I encourage therapy, but talk to a trusted friend, a family member, a spouse. Get those feelings out in the open and you will start to heal and feel better, and embrace this new life of motherhood.
